Everyday is a winding road

2010-12-25T09:11:00.000-08:00

All I want for Christmas is some brand spanking new confidence.

just in case and i told you so

2010-12-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

I like my sister. I like how she approaches me with a simple, 'hey do you want to catch some breakfast?', which ends up to be a labouriously long breakfast conversation about life and all the so-called hardships we face. And perhaps, it was I who brought up the conversation... I who needed advice and it so happened, she had the right type of wisdom to impart at that particular moment. Although, I have to say that I still felt somewhat ambushed as she spoke to my feelings.

I stuttered and stumbled, as I tried to explain to position of us Gen-Y-ers. How we needed the space and the time to find ourselves and should not have to deal with the pressure from our parents to find the perfect job or get rich and successful or at least have a plan or something... pronto. It is true, that we have the privilege and the right to find ourselves while we can. But she said in a very matter-of-fact tone, that privilege will not last forever. And that is a fact you cannot change.

Not all of us are trust fund kids. Although the few that are.... well, good for you. That privilege will not last forever - I guess this is the reason why we do what we have to do, even at this moment, even if we don't want to. Knowing that it can be stripped away from you, that is kind of like a sucker punch line.

That is why we have plans, however vague they seem. Because even the most carefree or free-spirited person will need a plan for just in case moments. An experienced skydiver will still need to put on his second set of parachutes. Because when that moment comes and you are unprepared, well that's really an i told you so moment.

Melb is where my stomach is

2010-09-22T07:48:00.001-07:00

Melbourne is a small city with a big heart. Only in Melbourne will you find 5-star food within walking distance and at reasonable prices. Today, I followed the boyfriend and his sister to a place which apparently served terrific Sichuan cuisine. We were walking along Lonsdale and I was about to ask exactly how we were going to get to this place, when both of them somehow magically disappeared into this teensy alley way. It was exactly like in those movies filmed in New York, where there’s a tiny opening between two buildings and you somehow squeeze your way through it. Except instead of getting stuck, you find yourself right at the doorsteps of the Dainty Sichuan (renamed Sichuan House).

If you want to know what it’s like to be an advanced economy not feeling the pinch of the GFC, you just have to step into the Dainty Sichuan to get a feel of what I am talking about. Round table after round table was heavily laden with spicy food. The place was literally a mumbo jumbo of faces. Very cool to see grown Australian men decorated in tattoos , sweating over a dish of spicy Cumin pork ribs and sliced fish in chilli oil soup. =D

The food was sublimely covered in chilli and spices, did I mention? Every inch of it. Of course I bit into those annoying little ‘ma lat’ peppers every now and then, but it was worth it. Forget Anthony Bourdain, this place is AP-approved (so full of myself). But seriously, Bourdain came and went in 2009 and he said he really could not get enough of the food here.

So 2 more days in Melbourne and it is back to reality. Probably 2 full kilos heavier as well. Funny, because I bought extra baggage space and have not thought about what to do with it. Guess I know what it can be used for. To store extra fat!!!

When i'm kissing you it all makes perfect sense

2010-08-31T00:16:00.000-07:00

I think I've been disappointed twice this year because I didn't get to make that trip to Melbourne when they told me I could. Vested interest for me to make that trip. Sure, the purpose of going there is to help defend the rights of the dead. Yet who wouldn't want a free ticket to Melbourne right?

I miss Il Fredo's and Chongqing hotpot. But most of all, I haven't see the boy for close to half a year already.

While eating Gelato and Chong Qing hotpot, you must be accompanied by a few of your most favourite people in the world and of course, people who love chilly as much as you do. If not, those dinner outings will surely have a big 'FAIL' sign stamped across it.

The year has been a blur of ups and downs. I got to know some crazy people. But while social life has been taking off for the most part (because believe it or not, some personality test called me an introvert), work took a turn for the worst after I came back from the training program.

What was supposed to be 6-months of pure bliss was cut short to 3 months.

It felt good to have your bosses feel as if they need you back. But the novelty wore off after 2 weeks, and I went back to feeling incompetent and unimportant in the major scheme of things.

And then you have people telling you that you deserve much more. That sparked a whole internal conflict in my mind. Then I thought, I'll just hang in here for awhile and see what else this road has to offer me before I do anything rash. Like quit my job and open a cafe while moonlighting as an event pianist. So not going to happen, I know. Even i'm pretty realistic when it comes to setting a goal.

It was good to get away from the city over Merdeka weekend though. Took a slow drive down to Chilling Waterfalls at KKB. We actually found the sign to Chillings earlier but decided to travel further. Only to realize that that was the correct sign when we were only 8 km away from Frasers.

Last minute day-trippers, L to R: Sheair, Peng, Su, J and Mel. We decided to go the day before. I guess all of us needed some sort of break.

That wraps it up for now. Hopefully in the time between this post and the next, someone would have offered me a ticket to Melbourne.

Financial literacy is something else that we need

2010-08-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

I received a very encouraging email today with the subject title 'what I do at work everyday'.

The email contained the link below and that was all it said.

http://curiouscapitalist.blogs.time.com/2010/08/10/escaping-the-middle-income-trap/?xid=rss-topstories

The article highlights the dilemma the Malaysian economy currently faces: the middle-income trap. The CC explains in simple terms how most economies find it easier to jump from low-income to middle-income stage than it is to make the leap from middle to high-income. The rationale behind this is that you can use your poverty to your advantage. Cheap wages make it possible for a low-income country to be competitive in labour intensive sectors (such as manufacturing) and produce cheap goods for export etc

In short, when you are middle-income, you lose that competitiveness (in Malaysia's case, to countries such as Cambodia, Vietnam and China).

The CC then goes on to provide a couple of suggestions about how Malaysia can break through this middle-income barrier. I don't refute his comments, I totally agree for example:

i) that the government has at least recognised what Malaysia needs and has aptly appointed the NEAC to come up with the NEM. But really, everyone is anticipating the details of the NEM due to be released in October together with the Budget.

ii) I also agree that the Government initiatives are not sufficient to lift the Malaysian economy higher. And that businesses should be willing to take the risks.. be more involved in entrepreneurship and R&D.

On the second point, I would like to highlight why I was encouraged by this email. This friend of mine has no formal background in Economics and hates Math. And yet she took the time to read an article like this on Time Magazine. She may not know it, but her action of reading this article has contributed in a small manner to the cause of lifting Malaysia out of the middle-income trap. How many Malaysians actually care about the inner workings of the economy although it inevitably affects their standard of living?

Imagine if 10% of Malaysians knew what was going on. That's 2.7 million people who would question how come our economy works out to be the way it is. That's also 2.7 million that would strive in their own ways to change the mindset and carve out a new path for Malaysia.

Ask yourself the following question: Why would a budding and simple businessman (i'm not talking about Urbanites) take the risk of entrepreneurship if readily available gains can be made by contracting or becoming the middle-man for MNCs or even a medium/bigger enterprise?

He wouldn't. Not unless he's in an extremely dire situation (in which case he much rather be selling fish). But there's an alternative, financial education. If you told him that the risks were likely to be much higher, but the returns he'd be able to make would be three or fourfold, you've essentially planted in him an idea. Imagine if you told this story to 10000 budding businessmen. Even if only 100 bought your story, that's enough to get things started.

Digging deeper, financial education may seem like a really simple suggestion to a gargantuan problem. Much simpler than say for example, revamping our whole education system. While I agree the latter is a much-needed move, I'm afraid that the Malaysian economy cannot wait for the latter to occur in order to be high income. My suggestion is to go to people that matter, and start educating them about our economy and the opportunities that are available. Even the simplest concepts matter like the following:

The fact that there is a Government organisation called the Small and Medium Enterprise Corporation which will provide not only the funding to start up your business, but training as well as entrepreneurial opportunities.

One of the problems with SME Corp is that it receives so little publicity that SO FEW know about it. A 21 yr old who wanted to start a revolutionary business but had no capital would be denied this opportunity just because he did not know this initiative existed. Denied opportunity not only for him, but for Malaysia. Who knows what could have become of his idea?

I once asked my senior, a much respected economist in the Bank, how we could escape this trap. He replied very simply, talk...talk amongst your friends. Discuss relevant issues in informal settings.. Things that will make you think and question and maybe generate an idea. There's only so many LV bags you can talk about or Grey's anatomy series (quoting a PWC ex-employee).

It's true that economists may be by and large, 'all words and no action'. But perhaps an economist's words may provide direction for you, the economic agent, to take action.

What's going on?

2010-06-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've done so much but have accomplished nothing in the past 6 months. I feel bolder and more confident but lately, I have this fear that part of me is slipping away. And just like everything I do, I'm scared that this new found confidence will just be another phase in life.

2010-06-20T08:48:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I trudged on thorny plants and creepy crawlies, pushed away leaves to prevent them from scratching my eyes, climbed across fallen tree trunks and hung on to tree vines and roots to keep myself from tumbling down a hill. I didn't really know why I was doing it. At that point though, all I knew was that we were headed towards a cleaner, more pristine waterfall. Or at least that's what our 'waterfall' tour guide told us.

When we got there, the others happily headed for the plunge albeit freezing cold waters. I loaded up on water, climbed to the biggest bestest rock, parked my huge ass on the rock, and soaked in the sun.

I do things in search for a better outcome or at least according to the promise of a better return.
I realise that whenever I agree to go on the thrill ride, the ending may or may not turn out to be as expected but that's not the point. I've reached a point in life where I think I want change but I'm not ready for it. It's like reaching this beautiful waterfall and not wanting to have a dip in it. And in the end, I sat on the rock wondering what on earth I was doing there. That was when I knew that I was brave enough for the challenge, but not equipped enough to do it.

I know there's a life after you

2010-05-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

As hard as it is for me to accept, I know that I am the person I am today because of who I surround myself with. Inevitably, everybody lives through the experiences of everyone else. We are unique but never purely so. Our lives are bits and pieces scrambled together from... everywhere. Borrowed, stolen... whatever.

Perhaps this is why we're all so emotionally connected to the ones whom we've borrowed from. Their hurt, is our hurt. Their happiness, always a spillover effect. I've always thought that we only felt connected to the ones we love. But what about the random person on the street that sets off some heart-wrenching tunes in your head? How is it possible to relate to someone you barely know?

I wanna run through the halls of my high school, I wanna scream at the top of my lungs...

2010-05-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm back in high school. Literally. Day in and day out, I sit at a desk which comes complete with coloured pens and magic markers, there'll be doodles everywhere on notebooks and papers while the guest lecturer desperately tries to get the attention of her students.

Then there are the little high school dramas that go on outside the confines of the classroom. There will always be the popular kids (the more vocal ones) and then there are the quiet and smart ones, those who are in the middle (yet again, I would like to believe I fall in this category) and of course, the outcast of the class.

I was also recently reprimanded by my mentor. The whole scenario felt like being in the principal's office in which the principal questions you and lectures you about being respectful to the other lecturers.

I don't know why I'm writing about this exactly. I guess it's because I am happy to be in this environment/setting, reliving the days of high school. The only difference is, now we have our own money and we can drive!

Blogging about obscene money with a tinge of envy

2010-03-17T05:25:00.000-07:00

Do you know how much CIMB investment bankers earn?

Some work till around 9 p.m. in the Treasury department. Doing something like trading. It's not an easy job, but not rocket science either.

So, my sister and I were lamenting over our wages over the dinner table. Ok, more like she was going on about her meagre increment. I was just listening being the good sister that I am. =D.

Then I remembered a conversation I had with a colleague of mine and blurted out the question,

" Do you know how much CIMB investment bankers earned in bonuses last year? Well... officially, it's twelve months...."

My sister stares and me and goes, "Yup, officially it's 12 months... unofficially it's 24 months. AND they have a base pay of 7000 a month..." (do the math).

We both stared down at our plates and start shaking our heads at the sad reality. Imagine a 28-30 yr old taking home 250,000 a year. We tell each other it's an obscene amount of money. And given the recession that grazed the tip of our heads last year, that kind of money was definitely not justified anywhere in the world.

Nevertheless, it's always good to put things into perspective.

A McKinsey fresh grad earns 10000 a month. But given the late hours, tons of traveling and tons of strategising ... 10000 is a justified amount.

I admit, I am not a CIMB employee so I may not know what really goes on internally. Additionally, i've always had a grudge against this bank (for some reason or other). Much of my judgmental behaviour stems from hearsay. So please, correct me if I am due to be corrected, but seriously, 24 months bonus is waaaaaaaaaayyyyy out of line.

omg how awesome is technology

2010-03-04T22:42:00.000-08:00

I'm very inclined to believe that technology has reached a pinacle simply because I cn actually blog from my phone. But seriously who am I kidding.

The Lazy in Me

2010-02-25T18:19:00.001-08:00

cintaku cintaku padamu
tak besar seperti dulu

sayangku sayangku pada mu
tak indah seperti dulu

lebih baik ku putuskan saja
cari pacar lagiiiiiii

-listening to ST12 when i should be studying cfa-

So tonight.. I'm gonna find a way... to make it without you...

2010-02-03T07:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've heard a great song from Alicia Keys.

Well this is it...

2010-01-25T06:33:00.000-08:00

I thought I would post some overdue Singapore pics to show you guys I'm still alive and kicking and not some dead boring economist you've never heard of. The highlight of my trip has definitely got to be Ah Chew's dessert house on Liang Seah street. I believe the picture below says it all:

Mouth watering mango pomelo ice dessert with... wait for it... REAL DURIAN FLESH INSIDE!

I have never been more excited to try this dessert even after I had stuffed myself with all-you-can-eat steamboat half an hour earlier.

Of course, Liang Seah's place didn't disappoint. They had a cool system in place. Those tags up there have the names of desserts. Red means it's sold out. Green means it's available.

Me taking a picture of Jenny taking a picture of me.

Me and babes

Restored Bugis houses. I personally would love to live in one of those. Imagine having blue or purple steps!!!!

Alas... my trip was cut short due to some unforeseen circumstances. The pictures end here. I am looking to take the trip of my lifetime pretty soon though. If all works out, fingers crossed, pretty soon I'll be having my own....

A plea

2010-01-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

Lately, i've been inspired by certain events that have unfolded, with a little help from a few friends.

Yes, we need to do something about our country. We are only as poor as we make ourselves to be. Look at these events with a half-full-glass mentality. They can prove to be a turning point. They may ignite something in the educated: teach the uneducated.

You and I. We are no different in terms of what we need. We both need our system to change for the better, we have placed too much faith in it to see it fail. Don't. give. up. This is your problem as much as it is mine.

Special thanks to Nish and J - you've helped me come up with the perfect background for my thesis (if i ever do make it to a masters).

In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of...

2010-01-16T09:03:00.000-08:00

There's nothing you can't do

Now you're in New York

This streets will make you feel brand new

This lights will inspire you

Let's hear it for New York New York New York!

For a person who has never stepped foot on New York soil, and has vowed each time the next city she travels to would be New York, this well-crafted anthem by Alicia and Jay-Z has had me rocking on the edge of my seat for a good 4-5 months. And.. when you watch the music video, you can't help but give New York some lovin'. It.is.just.so.beautiful.on.screen.

p.s. watch the music video and check out the cool Yamaha piano with the New York skyline on it. I WANT IT. It will become a collector's edition, i'm sure of it.

The died-ed blog

2010-01-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

Everytime I start out to write with a topic in mind, I never finish it. So i'm just going to let my thoughts flow and not try to frame this post or slant it in one direction or another. Isn't this how creative writing starts out?

Don't mind me. I've been starving the whole day having lasted on fruits all the way up to dinner. So i'm feeling pretty delirious right now. For example, I swear I thought I left my computer on the bed. When I left to go get my guitar strings fixed, I came back to find Maccie on the floor. Which is weird. Because from the looks of it, it would have shut tight if it had dropped from the original position it was in. I say I'm getting freaked out because my Grandma passed away last week and a series of freaky events happened to her before she died in her sleep. According to certain sources, she kept on saying she was going to die and that friends from the past had come to visit her. Yes, freaky much. I am going to pray before I sleep tonight.

Anyways, on to happier (or at least more mundane) stories. I'm getting burned out at work. I still immensely enjoy what I am doing. But the more I look at it, the more work keeps staring me back in the face. There are annual report drafts, equity bubble charts, research papers, monthly reports... i think imma faint.

I don't know. Life was so much better as a student. =(

Have yourself a merry little Christmas 2009

2009-12-19T00:05:00.000-08:00

The year in sum, was a blur of rushing deadlines, lugging bags through airports and train stations, coping with new faces and missing the old ones, the familiarity of Friday poker nights, re-establishing filial bonds, late nights inhaling the scent of apple grape mint, the occassional drunken night or two, rejection, acceptance and less time to ponder. Less time to think. As I filled my hours with work and play, I left the remaining hours I had to sleep. Sleep, glorious, sleep. No time allocated just to daydream and ponder.

So today, to make up for the lost time, I sat down on one of the benches facing Jusco supermarket, lemonade in hand... and I people-watched. I watched as an extremely under-fed Santa walked through the mall handing out balloons while an elf jingled a bell and gave out sweets. I marvelled as I saw scores of parents trailing after Santa, begging for a single balloon, their children hanging on like leeches on to their right hands, jumping up and down impatiently in anticipation. You don't get to see this everyday. The fates of a few children resting on a single green sphere filled with air on a stick. The merry smile on one child's face would have to be matched with tears on another's.

I could not help but smile because it brought back memories of my childhood. All it took was a single balloon to brighten up my day when I was five. Nothing much has changed. And I took a step back to thank God that He managed to preserve that pureness in a child that could have easily seen thin Santa with a balloon, and walked right past him.

This post screams Adam Lambert!!

2009-11-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

Excuse my obsession but just so you know, I rarely go all the way out to buy someone's cd especially when the songs are available for free online. The thought of not owning the debut album of this legend-in-the-making was just too miserable to deal with so I went all the way out to obtain a copy for myself the first day it was out in Malaysia.

Btw, have you guys bought Adam Lambert's new album, FYE?

If you haven't I suggest you go out and buy it now, now, now! My favourite track has definitely got to be Sleepwalker. I can't place a specific genre on this song except to say that it is really really really good. The lead guitarist is none other than Orianthi Panagaris! I loveee herr... saw her for the first time on Michael Jackson's 'This is it'. She is loaded with talent and is of Greek Australian descent. Voted one of the top ten female guitar

ists in the world! She has a solo in this song not to be missed. Oh fyi, this song is also written by Ryan Tedder of One Republic fame. He's the guy who also wrote Bleeding Love. Talented talented... I just cannot stop raving about it.

Orianthi!

While the songs on this album are mostly glam pop, Adam shines in songs which are NOT pop. His ballad 'A loaded smile' brings his pitch perfect falsetto to the forefront. Remember when he sang Mad World and gave the audience goosebumps and THEN he sang If I Can't Have You and made all our hearts melt? Yeah. similar experience.

That's not to say that his pop songs are bad. There's some substance in Fever (written by Lady Gaga), Strut (Kara Diogardi and the man himself) as well as What dya want from me (Pink @ka Alicia Moore).

So what are you waiting for? Go get the album! Support gay rights by supporting Lambert. I'm just joking btw. I have nothing against gays but for neutrality's sake, I'm not about to advertise gay rights here.

Back to trivial blogging?

2009-11-17T21:54:00.001-08:00

I saw something absolutely hilarious today and in attempts to conceal a mean streak, clamped my mouth tightly before it was too late and I let laughter spill.

I was on my way to lunch and saw a girl with a bunch of friends walking in front of me. She was wearing one of those fashionable office-wear dresses, the ones with bubble skirts and pockets at the side. The ones you expect to see on Kate Moss while she traipses down the catwalk during Paris fashion week. Something exactly like this but of course in black and with sleeves.

of course, I'm not exactly a fashion buff so I have no right to comment on her dress. To me, the dress itself seems okay. What was funny though was the girl's attempt to walk as if she were on the catwalk. She placed her hands in the pockets (exactly like the girl you see up there) and literally strutted her way to Bank Negara's hawker stall 50 metres away from the main building. Her hips were swinging side to side in full motion, her legs did that jaunty thing you see supermodels do. You know they sort of bounce with their heels going 'clack clack clack'.

I don't know. My colleagues call me mean for thinking that's super funny. Who cares? As soon as I got back to the 12th floor, I laughed like there was no tomorrow.

2009-10-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

I've been going through Uni pictures on FB. I guess with FB, memories are easily triggered when you see remnants of what you and your friends once were. Now I see friends with a completely new set of companions and hang out places and new habits. It's not an extremely confounding revelation; I realise that I can probably still call these people my friends but I may not be able to recognize them anymore. And of course, there's always going to be more moments like this.

2009-10-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

Today at work, I wrote a long-ass essay on the pros and cons of the credit card tax implemented in Budget 2010. Unfortunately for me and fortunately for you, it is not completed yet and I left it in my desktop at the office. You, dear reader, are spared (for now) from one of my boring OMg-ap-really-has-nothing-to-do at office lectures on why I still think the credit card tax is good for you.

It's already the end of October, and I would have been working at the Central Bank for 6 months come 11th November. Have I learnt mucH? yes. no. maybe. I don't really want to talk about work. People have this impression that I hate my job. I do. But I love it too. This relationship I have with my job is inexplicable. I think most people choose to stay despite the lows in each job. They end up testing the lower boundaries until they are eventually tilted over to the other side. As a fresh grad though, all I can say is... I think I've learnt more Economics in these 6 months than I ever did in Uni. I guess I am happy, because every day there's always something new to learn in some things I never bothered knowing.

On another note, Wena and I went Zorbing at Lake Titiwangsa. what she said was right. it feels like being in a washing machine.

So that's one thing to cross off her list of things to do before she dies. I'm glad I could help in a way and I'm glad she's one of the few people who lists down reasonable things on her list. Like come on, who's really going to give you your own shopping mall before you die? i'm just saying... not pointing out names... i'm sure some people actually hope for that....

2009-10-22T05:16:00.001-07:00

sigh...it sucks being close to the bottom of the food chain... no one takes you seriously, seriously.

Becoming a virtual reality...

2009-10-20T05:42:00.000-07:00

Apparently there's this 'mystery' song played on Hitz.fm yesterday which is making waves in the Malaysian blogo- and twitter- sphere...

Yawn. just another publicity stunt IMHO cause honestly, the song sucks big time. Even baby Ry could probably create better music (noticed I said music, not vocals). Having said that, kudos for successfully getting people like me to check out the site. If you were wondering how I found out,I read it on the Star (yes... I actually refresh the front page every 5 minutes).

Sigh. cliches just irritate the heck out of me somehow. give me something interesting, please?

fyi, www.everyoneconnects.net

for the song.

2009-10-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

In between editing the PM's speech and helping to lay the groundwork for monetary policy meetings, I was too focused on the things that I needed to do that I forgot how to live. I left my id tag at home twice this week, didn't eat breakfast for 3 consecutive days and zombied through task after task without really absorbing all the facts in. Ultimately, it tires me out to the point that all I wanna do is come home and crash. But it elevates me a to a new high. So i'm beginning to think my job's pretty cool after all if I leave it a just that, a job. I'll find my passion elsewhere and I think i'm fine with that.

Barn animals are the new in thing

2009-10-11T00:54:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Ryan's 2nd Birthday over the weekend. He's finally over his Mamma Mia, Lion King and Sound of Music stage and very into making barn animal sounds now. So we thought we'd do an animal theme party.

Yup, we turned the living room into a barnyard/playground for the kids.

His birthday cupcakes even had animal shapes on them. My sister wanted those famed 3-d chocolate terrier dogs. But the owner of Wondermilk didn't have time apparently. =(

So, a close-up shot of our hardwork. The cow's mine, the horse is my sister's and the sheep is my brother's. There's also a hen with her chicks not featured in the picture. =)

We wanted to see whose drawing was the best.

Ryan saw the cow and he went 'moo moo'.

When he saw the horse, he went 'e-we-phant'.

Notice the cow has a rain cloud over it. yeah. i'm dark and twisty that way.

Anyways, I saje wanted to blog about my one and only nephew's birthday. Because I missed the last one and was so excited about this one!

In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of...

2009-10-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

Let's play pretend

Give out name cards

Name drop, act like

We know it all

We have it all

Though I'd like your confidence,

your respect your trust in me

did you earn mine

another word and I might as well

not know you

Let's play pretend

We know nothing else

I'll act like I like you

Nice doesn't mean good

Nice won't get you far

and nice is just another four letter word

2009-09-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

i've never considered this theory. it is not the offending person that has a problem. it is you. it is not the job scope which is demanding and boring and therefore not worth your time. it is you. even if it is not you, it is the friction that exists or natural disagreement between you and something which happened to be 'in your way'. of course, you cannot always be blamed but it is very rare to be entirely blameless.

2009-09-16T08:20:00.001-07:00

Dear kids, it will crush you to know that the very first big decision you make as a full-fledged working adult will probably turn out to be a wrong one. But hey, that's life. And eventually you will realise that most eager bright-eyed kids looking for something more than just a corporate job, are on the same boat as you. I wish I could tell you that it's actually OK not to know what you are passionate about. That when you do come of age, it is normal to occasionally want your parents to nurse, nurture and make the right decisions for you , instead of weaning you off TLC. And that when things do go wrong, the blame is not yours to shoulder.

Well, I said I wish I could tell you that but I can't. As you reach this important milestone, you will probably hit a wall of confusion like I did and experience not-so-good days at work. Not because your boss yelled at you or even came close to giving you the 'i'm-so-disappointed-in-you' look. It's more likely that you'll be in your cubicle pondering over the one question that will spark off a series of other questions: 'what the heck am I doing here?'

When you feel like you were destined for something more than just sitting at a desk manning the economies of the US, UK, Australia or New Zealand, maybe you'll understand what i'm on about.

The Call

2009-09-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

Until it was a battle cry

I'll come back when you call me

No need to say goodbye

-Regina Spektor-

I don't have anything to say. Because I am happy with where and who I am. For now.

Here's to Building Sanctuaries

2009-08-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

After spending countless hours editing and re-editing the photos, my brother officially launched my mother's property website yesterday. Naturally, like all tech-illiterate adults, my mother became extremely excited at the thought of her own site - she got my kakak to immediately send out dozens of text messages to all her real estate agents and her friends. She even persuaded my dad to send out text messages to his colleagues. Considering the amount of publicity her houses are about to receive, and throwing in the amount of time she spent agitating my brother over the weekend, I suppose her reaction was to be expected.

So, the site's been generating quite heavy traffic with roughly 30 visitors on its opening day and another 20-30 odd today. It's definitely more than the amount of visitors I get a day plus it hasn't reached mainstream yet (I'm thinking The Star, The Edge, Red fm, 98.8 fm).

However, ever since the text messages actually got through to her equally tech-illiterate friends, we've been getting tons of hilarious phone calls.

One of her friends called in today claiming that she couldn't find the website although we'd already provided the link. She said she googled 'Building Sanctuaries' and proceeded to click on each link - most of which had pictures of Churches - and gave up after the 20th link.

Another friend of hers (our old neighbour - when I say old, I mean in every sense) called us while he was still in front of his computer. Apparently, he typed in the address in the white box at the top of the page but it didn't work!

My mom got my brother to speak to him and the conversation went something like this:

Brother: Hi uncle... can you please retype the link into the white-box-at-the-top-of-the-page.

Uncle: Uh ok... hold on...(tap tap *5 seconds* tap* 5 seconds* tap tap *5 seconds* tap tap...)

- 1 minute later -

Uncle: Ok done.

Brother: Does it work?

Uncle: Uh..... no

Brother: Can you please read out the link you typed out?

Uncle: Uh.. Ok. Um... w-w-w dot building dash sanctuaries dot blogspot dot com dot mrs. lee (?!?!)

Brother: umm... uncle, why is there a 'dot mrs. lee'?!?! ( bro gives me a quizzical look)

Uncle: Because it's what the text message said.

Apparently the text message looked something like this:

KANTOI!

2009-08-10T05:25:00.000-07:00

I try to ignore the extra wrinkles on my face. After all, being a year older doesn't entitle me to whine about how it's all downhill after 21. A few people have joked that it's only when a woman turns 25 that she has to start worrying about her prospects for the future. This was probably said some time ago. The same rules cannot be applied in this century. Not when each generation seems to be maturing at a faster pace.

If 10 year olds are allowed to go around flaunting their skinny bare asses in skimpy cheerleading outfits, and 7 year olds understand the concept of sex, and 4 year olds are able to demand for money in exchange for protection... then I can safely justify my sour grapes moment; it's all downhill after 21.

current mood: Feeling old

current song: What's my age again?

current book: On Chesil Beach (never has the act of making love been so poetically portrayed - that is if you discount the Song of Songs book in the Bible)

Where do people find motivation?

2009-08-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

In our efforts to remain healthy and fit, me, vee and su have decided to wake up for 6 a.m. morning jogs starting tomorrow. I can already hear you guys cough coughing by now. The thing is... I'm so unfit it's not funny anymore. I miss the days where I was able to run a good 8 km. No sweat. And then move on to the elliptical. No sweat there either. And I could eat a good hearty meal after my exercise without the constant thought of piling on fats to my hips and tummy.

Speaking of motivation, my mom officially introduced her fourth bungalow to her friends and family today . I'm amazed at how much energy the woman has. She's always running here and there and she still has time to manage her family, including her 2-yr-old grandkid.

I wish I had her energy. Therefore, it is my resolution today to stop being such a bum and read more, and exercise more and do more altogether - this includes signing up for mandarin class

(I have said this to myself at least once everyday).

Current mood: Sleepy

Current song: Breathe in, Breathe out - Mat Kearney

Current book: How the Mighty Fall, On Chesil Beach

Actually, the more I think about it the more I just want to sleep.

GIRL'S DAY OUTTTTTT

2009-07-26T07:48:00.001-07:00

whoaaaaa... that's something I have not been able to say for a long time.

B 2 SCHOOL!

2009-07-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

yes you heard that right! it's back to school for me. not really. but close enough.

i'll be heading back to Uni for three days next week. I feel all smart and studious again. I strutted out of the office today clutching a thick file filled with crisp A4-sized pre-course reading materials. i don't think i've been this excited smelling A4 paper before. yes, i was the FIRST in line to get my Financial Econometrics course notes! like OMG, nerd alert!

not that i'm to blame. a nerdy environment breeds nerds right. Proof? Today, I placed the course notes on my desk. After 5 minutes, my colleague shrieks, 'aiya... I wanted to go but they wouldn't let me go cause of MPWG. eh, you also wanted to go right?' she asked another colleague.

yes... we're talking about FINANCIAL ECONOMETRICS here. who really wants to go for a statistics course? why... nerdy people of course.

The Bottom Line is...

2009-07-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

I traipsed down the stairs today at around 10 a.m. still in sleepy mode. Yet I willed myself to read the newspaper because I rarely get this opportunity on weekdays. The headlines read, 'PM announces names of NEAC members'. Interesting. I quickly flipped to page 2 to see who's who. I wanted to know if this people could really make a difference or if our PM was merely placing these people there as sort of a facade. So far so good. The people he had chosen ranged from chief economists to LSE and Harvard professors and he even threw in a corporate figure for good measure. The name that really stood out to me though was a Mr. Yukon Huang. He is a senior advisor at the World Bank and also an advisor to the Asian Development Bank. I singled him out from the other 8 members not because of his outstanding credentials but seeing his name, immediately reassured me that this NEAC could potentially work out something good for our country.

Mr. Yukon came to my office about a month ago. I sat three feet across from him while he gave a presentation on how Korea was able to gain first world status and how China was well on its way to achieving high income status. He attributed their success to new economic geography; the concept that made Paul Krugman a Nobel laureate last year. Mr. Yukon then went on to talk about Malaysia, and the policies that have hindered our progress while our Korean and Singaporean counterparts have managed much more in the same period of 20 years. In the 1980s, Malaysia was on par with South Korea but now, we are trailing them by 20 years. He then posed a question to us, how did we let that happen?

You may expect a foreigner to beat around the bush while attempting to answer this very sensitive question. However, Mr. Yukon did not attempt to mince any words. Instead, he looked at all of us directly in the eyes and told us exactly what a lot of people sitting in the room, probably did not want to hear. And then he went on to say, 'I believe... as a figure of authority... your institution should be the one to provide such advice to your government.'

In my mind I was saying to myself, the government will only ask for advice if is willing to accept that our policies are backward and attempt to rectify it. And what about all this concern about central banks potentially losing their independent status because they crossed the line (@ka Britain)..... The more I thought about it, the more I was sure we needed an outsider, a third party much like Mr. Yukon here... to tell our government what is necessary.

It seems a bit premature to put so much of my hope in the NEAC based on the impression I've had from meeting Mr. Yukon. Like many of the other half-baked initiatives that have disappointed our citizens before, I still have my reservations about an independent advisory panel coming in to revolutionise our economy. Many questions will persist: will their proposed initiatives be made public? how will we know if these initiatives will really help because what works for one country may not work for another. Will the government really listen?

However, I believe it took a lot of effort to get our government to recognise the severity of our position in the first place. As the saying goes, big changes begin with a single step.

I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you

2009-07-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

It's been too long since I wrote a proper post. One that doesn't just touch the surface of all I have been wanting to say but somehow, words always fail me just when I need them most.

Quotes that struck a chord

2009-07-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

“ It is tempting to quote authors when they express our very own thoughts but with a clarity and psychological accuracy we cannot match. They know us better than we know ourselves. What is shy and confused in us is succinctly and elegantly phrased in them, our pencil lines and annotations in the margins of their books and our borrowings from them indicating where we find a piece of ourselves, a sentence or two built of the very substance of which our own minds are made - a congruence all the more striking if the work was written in an age of togas and animal sacrifices. We invite these words into our book as a homage for reminding us of who we are." - Alain de Botton

"If banks are too big to fail... then... they are too big." - Mervyn King

Sometimes I wish I had a flair for the English language or the wit of a central bank governor to come up with such quotes.

S.O.S.

2009-06-30T04:43:00.001-07:00

Help. I'm becoming so disillusioned with corporate life that with each passing minute at my corporate desk, I feel like jumping out the twelfth floor window - if only to create some sort of drama for my equally disillusioned colleagues.

It's not good being surrounded by really smart people whom are bound to get restless being where they are now.

2009-06-29T08:40:00.000-07:00

Oh hello blogger.

Despite the name, I think I really need to catch up on updates. Have left my blog unchecked for quite some time. Missing it quite a bit. Not that I haven't had my fair share of writing cut out of me over the past few weeks. But writing for fun ain't quite the same as writing.

So what's new?

1. Still getting used to my new job

2. Getting used to the idea that deskjobs aren't for everybody

3. Becoming a pro-amateur at Excel

4. Bought tickets and booked accommodation for Phuket trip with the besties

5. Had Japanese and Italian with the other besties

6. Watched Transformers at 9.30 p.m. Tuesday night, with 15 page speech due Wednesday afternoon

7. Learned all about alignment

8. Caught up on sleep over the weekend.

9. Have not read any books for the longest time

10. Have not watched any dvds for the longest time

11. Went house-hunting

12. Decided with my brother that we want to become property developers

13. Begged mom to teach us all about developing properties

14. Ended up buying ready-made house

15. Realised our attempts at becoming property developers = fail.big.time

16. Have not exercised for the longest time.

17. Witnessed the death of one of music's greats

18. Had swine flu scare

I think that pretty much sums it up.

toodlesss

I lub my weekends.

2009-06-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

You'll have noticed the change in blog title because right now, I can only afford to blog on weekends. No more lounging around in Starbucks@Borders on mid-week days. Instead, i'm stuck in a freezing cold office on the twelvth floor, rushing deadlines and my only source of comfort is looking at the KL skyline covered in... haze.

That aside, I spent one fourth of my first pay check treating my family. It was a nice sight to see my parents digging into Potted Mackerel and Clams in Beer Broth on my tab. I wanted to save my pay for something huge, like a cello or something... but I think witnessing my own semi-financial liberalisation tops anything else.

On a different note, the arrival of the other best-buds starts today! Musicreak's arriving from Wales via Heathrow tonight! I foresee a summer worth of fun fun fun.

Spider pig... Spider pig....Does whatever, Spider pig can.

2009-05-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't mind dying in the middle of some experiences.

Like taking a rickety cable car up 1400 meters just to witness the most spectacular view.

Or like sleeping on a bean bag in the middle of cold, hard wooden flooring, holding hands with my first boyfriend after falling asleep watching Coach Carter. Dying of hypothermia out of the water is possible okaaaaay..

Or doing ninja kicks at the very edge of a cliff on an extremely windy day, just so we can get a perfect camera shot of us practicing kung fu with the ocean and the sky as a backdrop.

And today, I realised I wouldn't mind dying of a heart attack while eating the most succulent Italian suckling pig filled with layers of lard. Lard. Lard. Lard. Lard. Lard. Meat!

This came in the mail today....

2009-05-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

Hi Ai Peng,

I’m Azureen from Graduate Recruitment team.

Quick check: understand that you will be joining us at a later date but would there be a chance for you to start on 1^st June or 15^thJune?

Please revert ASAP as we have identified a project for you.

Thanks.

As much as I am in love with my job now, it is difficult to say goodbye to one's dream. My cursor hovered over the 'send' button for a few minutes before I sent the rejection letter on its way to my almost-employers...

They say it isn't wise to have a relationship with one's job. I can attest to that statement. It is true. You can love your job without having a relationship with it. I love my job because of the perks and because it's pretty easy going. I don't love my job because of the work I do. It's fun but it can get pretttyy dry if you hate reading economics, research work and reading figures day in and day out. OH, and learning how to clean up your Excel and Powerpoint charts so that it is aesthetically flawless. I am NOT joking.

Today for example, I killed about 20 trees trying to present a perfect chart to my superior. I can actually just email the thing to her but she says, 'it's ok... I prefer to view it in hard copy'.

I'm thinking okay, at least I'm not paying for the death of those trees. Oh, I probably wasted one whole coloured ink cartridge as well. And the multiple walks to the colour printer took at least 0.5 kg off my weight. heh.

But I guess this is life. Sometimes, it is not that everyone around you are perfectionists. They merely work to please perfectionists.

2009-05-16T10:04:00.001-07:00

STEWPIT GREYS ANATOMY WRITERS!!!!!!!

they always do that. they always do that. they always do that.

anyways, how many of you thought that George looked good in his army cropped hair and GI Joe suit. DAMN YENG WEIH. K la... I know TR Knight is gay.... but seriously, I saw him in a totally different light there and then. It's like having the Adam Lambert syndrome. Every girl knows he is gay but.... they're still in love with him anyway.

First day of Work and first cello lesson!!!

2009-05-11T07:15:00.000-07:00

Everything that happened today made me feel like a kid who just attended her very first day at school. For starters, I went to work with my best friend who also started her new job today. So, we went to separate companies but that's just like going to separate classes. After work, we both went to have dinner at Souled Out and we started talking about our respective first days, started comparing notes and bosses... like we used to compare our teachers and subjects on the first day at school. The only difference is that now we wear suits in place of uniforms and aim to please the boss instead of the teacher. When I came back from dinner, I quickly went to take a bath and bounced into the living room to disturb my dad... told him all about my:

a) job scope : domestic equity markets plus tonnes of projects not within financial surveillance unit

b) annual leave: 24 days baby!!!

c) perks and benefits

So yeah... I attended briefings the whole day and read up on the annual report (monetary policy and financial markets section obviously). and that was it. I like my department. the people are really quiet but they're really professional. No one raised their voice the whole day. No one sat around to bitch about other people. They just did their work and... yeah....sooo unlike my previous work experience in *the company which shall not be named*.

Cello lessons on the other hand did not go as smooth as I wanted it to. Before I left, I was already learning how to play from a youtube video. And it looked pretty easy. The actual task is way more daunting though. I know the music notes and I know the upbow, downbow signs... but I just couldn't master the technique of applying the correct pressure on the strings. On top of that, I had to concentrate real hard on balancing a 10000 ringgit cello on my left leg while attempting to bow without moving my upper arms AND making sure the bow fell in just the right places. *faints*

So yeah. That was my account of first day of work and first cello lesson! man I really feel like a 7 yr old. bah. GOOD NIGHTS!

2009-05-06T00:14:00.000-07:00

*5 hours of sleep later*....

see... I'm glad I stayed to watch the match although it was quite nail biting all the same.
3 epic goals. One was egged on with a bit of luck, one was made out of pure guts and glory and the last one was classic text book stuff.

football cannot get any better than this season. Ronaldo, you really are the best damn footballer in the world.

2009-05-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

haven't had one of those posts where I ramble on and on about nothing and everything in particular without a clear purpose.

well i'm gonna do it now. cause I'm ultra freaking nervous about the united arsenal second leg match and really I know I shouldn't be watching this game cause it makes me shout and cuss and .... but how lame is it if United win big time and I wasn't awake to scream and yell with my brother. Of course technically we'll be screaming and yelling in different rooms cause my brother being the superstitious weirdo that he is insists that he HAS to watch the match alone or else they'll lose. But yeah, I think I shall stuff a hanky in my mouth this time around cause I have the tendency to wake up the whole household when I watch a match.

Italy-Australia (2006 world cup) - woke up my housemate (May)

United vs Chelsea (2008 champions league) - also woke up my housemate

United vs Arsenal (2009 semi finals first leg) - woke BOTH my parents

so yeah. definitely stuffing a hanky in my mouth 2nite.

on another note, i'm starting my new job this monday (11th may). bye bye freedom. helloo bank!

he's just NOT that into you

2009-05-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've been cooped up at home for the past 3 or 4 days. I owe it to the flu symptoms I've been displaying recently. It started about 2 weeks ago but got really serious last week when I started wheezing, coughing and tearing every now and then. No fever, thank God. No thanks to my flu, I missed an outing with the Eurotrippers/Wena and the gang and another outing to Genting with high school friends. Had to content myself with a dvd copy of He's Just Not That Into You.

Even before I bought the movie, Honeysha warned me that it was going to be quite long. Likewise my family thought it was draggy and too conversational-based. On the other hand, I thought it was brilliant. Not Love Actually brilliant but good nonetheless. I loved how all the stories linked to provide a seamless theme for the entire length of the movie. Or perhaps it was the theme that linked all the stories seamlessly together. Either way, a vast majority of the audience (obviously women) probably wouldn't have liked how truthful the story turned out to be. Because yes... it was indeed a brutal portrayal of women and their emotional needs.

I found myself relating to Gigi, a female character obsessed with waiting for a follow-up phone call from her dates. She's constantly telling other people not to call her while she waits for THE call. If you are wondering what any of this has got to do with me, it's really about finding a job.

Gigi doesn't stop waiting by the phone until some guy had the guts to tell her, 'if he reaaaaally wants to get to know you, he'll make it happen'. Recently, I experienced the same thing with potential employers. If they reeeeaaaaaallly realllllly want to hire you, they'll call you the day right after the interview. If they don't call you the next day, it really means a rejection letter is making its way to your mailbox.

I also found myself cringing when Drew Barrymore's character (Mary) told Scarlett Jo that she should be the third party in someone's marriage because, 'what if this guy is your soulmate and you let this chance pass you by?'

Truth betold, I am not above giving out this type of relationship advice. It happens all the time. All the time a friend has been dumped or rejected, you obviously can't say... 'God you really deserved it' cause that's not what they need to hear even if it IS their own doing. When a friend ponders being a third party in someone's relationship you don't go, "don't be stupid." Especially when your friend tells you he's the one she loves and he loves her back and they were meant to be together. You just can't bring yourself to be the rain on her parade.

Above all, I guess I really like this film as it proves that you can listen to as much bullshit advice and still end up a happy person. As it turns out out, you can be the happy-ending exception in doomed relationships such as LDR. Also, at least I feel better knowing I can wash my hands off any bad relationship advice I have ever given. In other words, while I felt the movie really struck a personal chord... it was definitely feel-good in the end.

Happy Birthday Miss Lim Lee Yee!

2009-04-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

Although you very well can't read it because you're all the way in Xiamen, travelling to some ulu China village at this very moment.

Ah... I called the bestie today to wish her a very happy 22nd birthday! She said she was going to spend it going for a cheap massage and possibly sleeping cause she's tired from the train ride. I can't really say for sure but her voice was either wracked with emotion or she had a sleepy lilt.

Of course, this is the first time in 9 years that I'm not spending her birthday with her. *hugs*.

On another note, I'm positively annoyed with my future employer. sigh... didn't know it takes 3 weeks to get an approval. geez. seriously.

Reflections

2009-04-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

It’s been over a year since Pakatan Rakyat succeeded in preventing Barisan Nasional from achieving two thirds majority to form government immediately. I remember the uproar stemming from the March 8^th elections almost as if it occurred only yesterday. Morale for middle to upper-middle class Malaysians was at an all time high. I know this because I was all the way in Melbourne and most of my peers seemed to be happy about the change, happy that we weren’t going to be labelled a ‘semi-democratic nation’ anymore, happy that our voices had finally been heard. After all, the most populous states in Malaysia had fallen under PKR’s jurisdiction. We then confidently told ourselves, this is definitely a sign that a large majority of the population has spoken; the change we needed in our political landscape had definitely arrived that day.

Fast forward a year from March 8^th and I have started to wonder, have we actually progressed as a nation? Now that I’ve tuned myself out of any subversive views (aka Raja Petra and Malaysiakini) and am maintaining a very neutral position, has my perception changed?

A year ago I was hopeful when Anwar announced the importance of September 16^th. To many Malaysians, September 16^th would have hopefully marked the end of a corruption-led government and nation. Yet with each postponement of September 16^th and with every ‘important press conference’ A has called since then, I began to doubt his ability to lead. True, he is only one person representing the party but a leader has to set a good example, no? Instead of playing political mindgames (and not being very good at it), he should have concentrated on making sure the components in his party worked together, no? Should have taken after the example that is Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim and vowed to keep out of the spotlight, no? This is a man who has been in Times ‘100 most influential’ list not once, but TWICE. You would think that for him to achieve such accolades he must have at least a certain level of intelligence to know that you win a war through action and not words.

Meanwhile, UMNO has paved the way for Malaysia’s new PM. So yes, here we are, back to our semi-democratic ways. With so much ‘buzz’ surrounding Malaysia’s newly elected PM even before you can say ‘al…’, there is no wonder our new PM isn’t allowed his honeymoon which is all very well I must say. He has only been in office for less than a month and already he has evolved into a people-pleaser.

Among other things, he has lifted the 30% equity rule on 27 subsectors, increased the limit of foreign ownership in banks and insurance companies from 49% to 70%, attended Vasakhi day functions (Abdullah missed it the year he was elected), coming up with his ‘One Malaysia’ plan… and if you read the papers, you will realise how quickly he ruled ‘it’s wrong to convert your children to Islam without their consent’. Through Mukhriz Mahathir, his administration is also considering the removal of the controversial APs which have protected the local car industry for years much to the chagrin of the average citizen and the delight of certain benefactors.

While I find it extremely difficult to bring myself to like him, I cannot say that he is doing a terrible job in governing the country. Sure, in the first few months of a PM’s first term, the best thing to do would be to reach out to the ‘minorities’ and people-please your way to their hearts. And he has done exactly that. Don’t forget though that it probably wasn’t an easy decision for him. By eliminating perks such as the 30% equity rule, he risks losing the support of a few bumiputras. In the mean time, he still has much to prove in order to change public perception about himself and his party respectively.

On the surface it may seem as if nothing much has changed since March 8th. Corruption and bribery are still rampant, the police force still needs a kick in the arse, the cat and mouse game between the government and the opposition leader is still very much alive although getting extremely stale. If we look past all that however, I think this is where a developing nation such as ours ought to be. If we hadn’t given the opposition more power, then BN would never have agreed to do all the things aforementioned. If we HAD given the opposition more power than it already has, I don’t think our country would be in the hands of a very sensible leader or a stable party.

To answer my own questions, I think I have to say my perception has changed but yes, we have certainly progressed as a nation although perhaps not at first glance. I once asked my parents what they thought and who they’d voted for. Without revealing too much, they simply told me that I really shouldn’t care too much about corruption and politics and whatnots because every administration (successful or not) will have its fair share of those. We have survived idiot politicians and all that jazz and we’re still standing. Pundits say that you can never count a great team like Manchester United out of the equation until the race is over just yet. In very much the same, we can hardly label Malaysia as 'gone to the dogs' just yet. Not yet. There's much more to come.

Disclaimer: These are merely opinions of the author and in no way represents an agenda against or for any Malaysian political party. The author stands firm on her beliefs but respects others' opinions as well and wishes everyone else to do the same.

Dear God

2009-04-22T04:33:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends pray to the universe and some of my friends pray to different versions of You. But really, I'm just trying to get the message across here as simple as possible. Once upon a time, You told me through various mediums that You would listen and You would care even if I didn't deserve any of the good things that happened to me. So here I am now without a clear purpose of writing this message but really, all I wanted to ask was why are rabbits having such a crappy year?

just when I need you most

2009-04-21T10:50:00.001-07:00

been searching high and low for good blogs/sites related to the Malaysian economy. Nothing good has turned up. or maybe i'm just too impatient. Thing is, I'm kinda wary of reading all those international economic reviews which really cater more toward Americans. Interesting, but nothing we already don't know.

In the end, we all know the U.S. government will not let anymore banks, insurance companies or auto industry fail. Everyone's happy. But what about the rest of the world? How will our country fare?

I'm quite interested in finding an answer to the following question. See if you can help me out:

So recently, a minister who goes by the name of Mhmd Yaakop pointed out that Malaysia should shift its focus away from exports. Well someone finally got it right!

As I was saying, of course it makes perfect sense to target other sectors for economic growth. After all, Malaysia would have been well-shielded from the economic crisis had it not been for heavy reliance on exports.

But the question still remains, which sector could we possible look to to spur our economic growth?

7 things I thought about today...

2009-04-20T07:08:00.001-07:00

It's a very trying task to look up at the sky each day beseeching it to rain cats and dogs like it used to.

I don't think there's one place in this world everyone falls in love with. But I do believe there's at least one city in this world that holds the key to a person's heart.

Baby Ryan called out his own name today which made me wonder, what must he think we're doing when we call out his name?

I was floating in my pool with the sun shining down on my back not a hint of cloud in the sky and the palm trees swishing gently from side to side, when the perfect breeze rolled in. You know.. the kind that's cool but not humid and definitely not yucky wet. And I thought, what a perfect day it would be to host a barbeque.

Which brought me to think about Sherlyn's ultradelicious lamb marinaded in whiskey.

Some people are too love-sick to realise not everyone wants to know how much they are in love with each other. About this... a friend of mine showed me a comment a guy made to this girl he likes/love/wants to eff. I gagged.

Why do people ask for opinions when they are so stubbornly grounded on theirs? Please don't waste my time if you've already made up your mind.

Madame Butterfly

2009-04-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

There's only one reason why relationships (friendships, bfgf, parentchild) don't work out.

I don't blame you for being the person you are. You have always been like a butterfly, flitting back and forth in search for the best nectar. The garden is your world and the people in it are just plants waiting for you to land on them. I give up trying to be a plant in your world. It's too exhausting trying to keep up with you.

Don't worry, I'll be civilize. We'll hang out if you call, I'll listen to you when you need me to listen. But I'm not going to pretend we're buddies because you don't deserve that title. And frankly, I'm not sure I do either.

2009-04-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

I asked my boyfriend to sum me up in three sentences or less. I know many would think that this is a ridiculous idea: who in their right mind would want a critique from someone that close to them? At best, it'll make you feel awful and at worst, it could spark a break-up. What's more, a question like that is a catch-22 for the person it is directed to. When the question has been answered, they will either be labelled as brutally honest or people pleaser. If you are labelled the latter, others might not take your opinion too seriously in the future. It's exactly like a girl asking a guy, 'Do I look fat?'

Now, in the history of Ai Peng world... there has only been one such incident where a guy answered 'Yes!' And no... I wasn't the one who asked. =)

Suffice to say, my bf didn't let me off easy. I don't know what I was expecting to hear but it definitely wasn't, "you show an uncanny sagacity for the I but lack patience and discernment in the E in the IQ/EQ quotients."

Simple translation: I am patient, wise and strive hard towards obtaining things that benefit me i.e. academically, career-wise etc. But when it comes down to sustaining healthy relationships with other people or rather my treatment of other people or lack thereof, I fall really short of receiving a fantastic EQ grade.

Key takeaway: Impatience, lack of discernment and... I forgot the last word.

The whole theory behind the EQ quotient is to measure how aware you are of your own feelings as well as others and in turn, how appropriate your responses are to those feelings.

I have always hated to admit that others may know me better than I know myself, which is another sign that maybe I really do not possess a high EQ. To assuage any doubts and settle matters once and for all, I've decided to put myself through an EQ test. The EQ test subsequently confirmed that I have average EQ (65%), which I am obviously not too happy about. People say, EQ holds way more advantage than IQ these days. boohoohoo!

So I guess the bf is partially right. I'm obviously not a terrible person but I do have little habits that can be particularly damaging to relationships. The good news is, there's always room for growth in the emotional intelligence area... unlike a person's intellectual intelligence.

I leave you with this....
There was one particular question in the EQ test that asked:
"a friend recently got dumped by her lover and is taking it really bad. what do you do?"

I answered: B. have a go at your friend's lover and tell him, she is better off alone.

woops... no wonder I got a C. ^.^

Confessions of an Eat-aholic

2009-04-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

Something is definitely wrong with me. I can't seem to go back to my normal winter eating habits. My diet during wintry days in Melbourne consisted of a cup of coffee and a sushi roll for lunch. Dinner was fairly large but I usually worked out before dinner to compensate for the amount of fine carbs I anticipated taking in later.

Here, I stuff myself with food at all times of the day. From coffee to cookies to cupcakes. By the time dinner comes, I'm still hungry! I really don't understand why since it's perpetually summer here. Shouldn't people be piling on more layers of fat during winter????

2009-04-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you feel like shaking a friend by his shoulder and yelling at him, 'why are you doing this to yourself?' but you don't.

Sometimes you feel like a hypocrite because you criticise one person for cheating on her lover but your best friend is doing the exact same thing ( x 10)... and yet you manage to close one eye on all her naughty escapades.

Sometimes you feel your life is too void of all this dramatic activity that you fill it with concern for others as it will make you feel a little less irrelevant.

Although... it really doesn't. That is why most times, you don't bother trying to talk some sense into them. For one, they won't listen. For two, they won't listen. For three, they'll start accusing you of having no life. And that my friend, is exactly what I don't need to hear.

I don't want to be inconsequential

2009-04-09T04:46:00.001-07:00

The time has come to make a decision. This time, I am confident that I am making the right one. It has never felt this right before and I am finally at peace with myself.

I have reached this junction in my life where I can finally look ahead and figure out what I want for myself in the future. In other words, I don't have to stand for long periods of time in the milk aisle, figuring out which carton of milk to buy. For now, I know exactly which brand/type/texture of milk I want.

Yup, somethings are written in the stars. I'm determined to see it through.

2009-04-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

I think American Idol Season 8 should be renamed 'The Adam Lambert Show'. There's a simple truth in this guy. He makes it very clear who he is as an artist, putting on sublime displays of perfect pitch singing. He does it in such a subtle way, that sometimes only true artists can recognise the pure talent in his voice.

If you don't believe me, watch his performance of 'Mad World' on youtube.

Many who watch it the first time would agree that it is good but not worthy of Simon's standing ovation. Watch it a second time with your seinheizer's or any sort of earphones and I guarantee, it will give you goosebumps. Reiterating what Kara always says, 'now THAT, is pure artistry'.

Case closed - Adam will win American Idol and he will go on to sell multiplatinum records that even I will buy.

MSN convos

2009-04-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

No.#1

Me: oh woops, I wasn't going to say anything.. but you brought it up first. It's not like I am okay with it just to let you know. I just pretend not to care sometimes. It's not my life therefore sometimes I feel I shouldn't say anything although I badly want to. But I don't.

bff#1: how can you pretend not to care when it's someone you've known almost your whole life? it's too *blank* to even digest.

Actually yeah, I don't get how I will myself not to care. Damn, it's hard.

............*+*+*+.............

No.#2

Me: Don't worry girl. If he wants to be the creator of his own destruction, let him be.

Bff#2: haha. i like that.

.............*+*+*+..............

No#3

Me: haha whatever lah, whatever floats her boat.

Boyfriend: haha, floats her boat in a literal sense.

Me: har?

Boyfriend: the term 'floats your boat' comes from the term 'man in the boat'. where the man is the c*i* and the folds surrounding the c*i* represents the boat.

yeah i know that's kinda sick and interesting at the same time.

......*+*+*+........

proud mama

2009-04-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

the G20 convened today to discuss a fiscal stimulus plan that could possibly spur global economic growth. The key take-away wasn't in the nitty gritty details of some infallible plan A, because only God knows if there is one in existence. No, the real breakthrough is that these respected leaders actually learnt to humble themselves and sacrifice their power and status to come into agreement on major points.

As I was watching the replay of Nikolas Sarkozy's press conference (in French nontheless), I noticed how he particularly thanked Gordon Brown for graciously accommodating all suggestions and how he expressed heartfelt appreciation to Obama for helping him convince Hu Jin Tao to come on board with IMF regulation matters. For some unknown reason, I felt very proud that these leaders have come to a general consensus quite gracefully instead of staging their usual childish antics (Turkey-Israel anyone?).

The Upside of a Recession

2009-03-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Decided to get off my good-for-nothing-but-interviews ass today and drag it shopping. This spur of the moment thing occurred after a stressful conversation with Dawn about interviews. You know that you don't have a life when all you do is contemplate which interviews you should go for, what to say during your interviews, ending the whole interview debacle by debating with yourself whether you did well for the interviews.

I could stop there but I'll go on by saying it's quite sad that the highlight of my week is waiting for Adam Lambert to perform on American Idol. wuak wuak. He is officially my first gay crush. Every week, after his performance on teevee, i'll youtube it and watch it at least 3 more times before I wiki/google everything Adam Lambert. You can ask me trivia questions (topic:Adam Lambert) and I bet i'll be able to answer most of it off the top of my head. From the fact that he is gay to the fact that I know that he is gay because he was caught kissing some dude in a car. Oh and you really should watch the 'I make you crazy' video. Confirm you will know he is gay.

Since these symptoms dictate that I am borderline loserish, I took my baby no. 2 out for a spin in the rain and headed towards Hartamas. Looks like it was really meant to be as there was a spot RIGHT in front of Cats Whiskers. yiiippee. I went to just three shops - Cats Whiskers, Chyna Doll and F-block. And guess what? All three shops gave me 50% off all the items I bought. I nearly whooped-de-dooed with joy. Yeah, this is me displaying ultimate consumerism - splurging in a recession. I really can't help it with all these goodies going at half its original price.

So you see, there is an upside to a recession after all. =)

Tracks of My Tears

2009-03-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

People say I'm the life of the party

Because I tell a joke or two

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I'm blue

So take a good look at my face

You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears....

by Smokey Robinson remixed by Adam Lambert

Guess whose baby teeth finally came out?

2009-03-21T01:51:00.000-07:00

After serving me for close to twenty years, I have finally decided to retire my two lower front baby teeth. My dentist had to perform several procedures to pull them out. First by stabbing a needle filled with local anesthetic into my gums several times, then using a plier to pry each tooth from my gums. Not surprisingly I didn't feel anything. The part that hurt the most was when he performed scaling on me BEFORE he applied local anesthetic. I swear my dentist is so evil I practically heard him cackling to himself.

With my two front teeth gone, I am now wearing dentures until my tooth implants arrive. I did a bit of googling and finally found out that my condition is called Hypodontia. While 25-35% of adults suffer from hypodontia in the form of missing wisdom teeth, I suffer from a more uncommon type of hypodontia which affects only 2-3% of adults. So yes, i'm a freak of nature by those standards and then, I read even worse news about hypodontia patients. Apparently females with ovarian cancer are 8.1 times more likely to have hypodontia than females without ovarian cancer. Therefore, my condition serves as a marker for ovarian cancer. Guess I better go get that ovarian cancer jab asap.

Anyways, I can't eat solid food for the next few days cause i'm just not used it. Everytime i try to eat, my dentures feel as if they're going to fall off. and it's superbly embarrassing in public right? at least at home i can take it off. it's disgusting but i know my family loves me for who i am right?

Speaking of loving me for who I am. I think my mom's wondering when exactly i'm going to start Chinese classes she actually went ahead and bought me a Chinese phrase book with 8000 different phrases. oooh guess i have something to occupy myself with for the next few days. how 'thrilling'. i love you too mom.

2009-03-18T01:19:00.000-07:00

We cling on to the things we miss the most. That is why the title of this blog is all that I cannot leave behind. That is why I have been craving sliced cheese, tough bread, jam and coffee ever since Europe ended. That is why I relish the chance of dining alone in a cafe that serves the best Brazilian/Kenyan coffee mix during lunch hour in the empty smoking lounge, reading a book. The scent of cigarettes absent, but the atmosphere triggering a sense of who I used to be, the places I used to frequent and the people I frequented it with.

I liked today. Today I woke up to the sound of rain and for once, felt that I had enough sleep upon waking. Of course, I had to go through the most difficult preliminary interview in a field that I am unfamiliar with. Still, I tried my best and hopefully my best is good enough for them.

I came back after sampling coffee which can definitely give Aussie's cultured coffee a run for its money, and was greeted by news of Obama and Geithner making those AIG pigs return every single bit of the $165 million they paid out in retention bonuses. Why does it matter, you ask?

Try being an unemployed graduate and you will understand that $165 million can be used to create more jobs for more deserving people. AIG claims that those bonuses needed to be given out to 'retain talent' in the company. Well excuse me, last time I checked, everyone else was willing to take a PAY CUT just to keep their jobs. What's more, seven people who were given over $1 million in bonuses EACH, have already left AIG.

So yes, for now, I am extremely happy with the way the current U.S. government is handling this case. If they continue to lead like this, I would consider frequenting Starbucks again. Heck, maybe their coffee will taste better by then. Who knows? Maybe Obama can go back to his Kenyan roots and demonstrate to Starbucks the type of coffee high quality Kenyan coffee beans can actually produce. DOH.

Quote from the hero of the day: " The impropriety of these bonuses goes beyond economics. It is about our fundamental values."

2009-03-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

This has got to be the single most depressing day of March 2009.

Manchester United lost to Liverpool 1-4 in a match which Vidic almost single-handedly served to Liverpool on a silver platter.

To top it off, Liverpool supporters obviously earned bragging rights over United fans until United is able to prove themselves the more consistent team by winning the league and hopefully a quintuple. Till then, I guess we'd have to lay our egos low and bite back on scathing remarks. They say revenge is sweetest when....?

Results aside, in an angry fit I declared I was not going to speak to any Liverpool fans for a week if they won. This included my boyfriend to which he responded, 'ok dear bye talk to you next week' or something to that extent in a very nonchalant manner. So I guess i'm not speaking to him until then. And today was our 44th monthlyversary. Totally FML right?

I guess i'm still a little pissed off at Utd's disappointing performance but the score says it all. It is what it is and I can accept that. What I don't get are all those United haters who post up hate messages on facebook. And the worse part is, they don't even support a bloody football team. In my opinion, they don't deserve any bragging rights. so effoff will ya.

xoxo,

United Supporter.

2009-03-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

MPH BOOKSALE STARTS TMRW! I can barely wait to get my hands on some pretty interesting books recommended on Bibliobibuli as well as some classics eg. Lolita, as many have been raving about it since the late 50s. Other books on my wishlist include:

i) The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath - I have never taken an interest in poetry ever since I attended Lit class in Trinity. But the mystery surrounding Plath's life and death and the fact that people seem to love to quote her poetry would surely provide any skeptic an incentive to read this book right?

ii) Trainspotting - Nat said the movie is awesome. If the movie is awesome, the book must be awesome-R. It always is.

iii) The Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri - I REALLLLLY enjoyed Lahiri's short stories back in Lit class so there's no reason why I shouldn't like this.

iv) 2666 by Roberto Bolano because it is claimed to be 'the first great book of the 21st century'.

Anyways, I think the list will have to stop here mainly because I am still jobless and need to save money for other things. *cough cough*. However, feel free to recommend more titles. Maybe i'll get my dad to tag along to swipe his card instead. wheee..

I thought the bible was supposed to be uplifting...

2009-03-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

I am not saying that it goes all out to dampen spirits. I did come across some optimistic paragraphs about perseverance (in Judges) after all... that is, before I found this:

Ecclesiastes 7: 2 - It is better to spend your time at funerals than at festivals. For you are going to die, and you should think about it while there is still time. (bummer, and here I thought we should enjoy our lives to the fullest)

Ecclesiastes 7: 3 - Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. (Hmm... think think think... what does 'refining influence' mean exactly?)

Ecclesiastes 7: 4 - A wise person thinks about death while the fool thinks only about having a good time now ( I finally understand why philosophers are labeled wise men).

Although not in chronological order, this next sentence provides the kicker.

Ecclesiastes 7: 1 - A good reputation is more valuable than the most expensive perfume. In the same way, the day you die is better than the day you were born. HAHA. maybe it's better for the person who hates you the mostla!

At this point, I literally FLIPPED to the front of the chapter to see who on earth was the author of this book. Turns out, it's none other than the wise old King Solomon. The same king who suggested splitting the baby into half to see which mother would not yield. Heh... I am starting to think he is not that wise after all.

.I've never felt like this before.

2009-03-07T04:01:00.000-08:00

You have heard people talk about it; the concept of loneliness. You've brushed it aside, cause it has never really happened to you. It's not that you can't reach out, you can, but since you think your efforts will prove futile anyways, you don't.

That's ok. There's that bit of strength in you that you've reserved for the bad times. Turns out, that reserve is built like a paper house... it will not survive anything.

Loneliness is not based on the fact that you've experienced something bad and you have no friends or family to talk to. It's far from that. It is when you think that no one can understand you therefore you don't try.

2009-03-05T19:15:00.000-08:00

Possibly the worst time to have coffee-craving for The European's coffee.

meehh...withdrawal.

The Secret Life of the Unemployed

2009-02-27T13:39:00.000-08:00

It is at the unearthly hour of 5 a.m that I lie in my bed with the sinking realization that I am my mother's own daughter in every possible way. While most fresh graduates are taking this opportunity (of high unemployment rates) to do some soul searching, I am at the edge of my seat every night, staring at the endless list of job opportunities - to my disappointment, none of which scream out 'IN NEED OF FINANCIERS'.

I'm replaying the many conversations I've had with my brother, my bf and my close friends ever since I came back from Europe. These conversations seem to suggest one thing: that I am overtly stressed and paranoid about not finding a proper job even if I already have a plan B - although it's not much of a plan if Company XXX decides to reject me for good.

It's hard to accept that I have become a person who cannot stand to see herself sit back and do nothing. I've heard about those stories, seen with my own eyes, parents who push their children to do something for the sole purpose of doing something. I often get these flashbacks of my mother constantly lecturing my brother on not attempting to find a job when he was just a fresh graduate. I have always been terrified of being the next in line. That is why every step I've taken since then was to ensure I didn't become a victim of long-winded lectures. Yes... my choice of words are from 'Memoirs of a Geisha' if you are wondering why it sounds so familiar.

A month ago, everything was fine and dandy. I was a fresh graduate with dreams and aspirations to be the next Warren Buffett. I was a backpacker about to conquer Europe. I had a job secured and locked. I was the one who would comfort others who are/were still looking for jobs. If you asked me what I would do if I lost my job, I would laugh it off and say, 'Learn some Mandarin and find a part-time job'. Of course, easier said than done.

I'm still in a damn mess obviously and it's going to take me sometime to readjust my perspective and realise how God-damn lucky I am just to be alive and kicking. I hope one day I will be able look back and kick my current pathetic self in the arse. I know I so deserve it. Lol. toodles.

I try to be a big girl....

2009-02-26T10:41:00.000-08:00

but i'm actually a small girl in a big girl's shoes, who can't even find herself a job she can keep and is struggling to stay afloat doing LDR. I hate phone conversations and emails. I hate that they purportedly bridge the distance between two people when they in fact, do the opposite sometimes.

The rational side of me tells me I need to find a job that can sustain me until July. The irrational side of me wants to jump on the first Air Asia plane back to Melbourne to get a part-time job and learn mandarin, screw what my parents say about completing National Service right.

....Excerpts from Dachau Concentration camp.....

2009-02-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

- The first thing I noted about Dachau was that the courtyard was sparsely decorated. Trees filled with twiggy branches scattered here and there, rows and rows of sandstones contained in rectangulars - this was where the prisoners' barracks used to be. The wind biting cold. It was almost void of any emotions. I guess when imagining the horrors conducted within these four walls, the best way to handle those thoughts is to remain detached; maintain an interest without feeling too much.I'm not a master at concealing my emotions, tears tend to well up in my eyes quite easily, therefore I tried to immerse myself as much as possible in the history of how Concentration camps came to be, as well as the rise of the Third Reich.

After the careful processing of all the information my tour guide Luke gave us, I deduced that while Hitler was the one to instigate all these acts of horror, there were personalities just as cruel as him. It was not Hitler who provided the final solution to the Jewish 'problem'. Neither was it Hitler who forced Germans into Nazism. True, they were most likely scared and confused, but to survive at the cost of innocent lives is equivalent to letting someone else take the blame for something he or she didn't do, and you knew about it, but you still stood aside to do nothing.

The scary past isn't that there exists such people on earth. The scary part is that a person like me may one day decided to commit a selfish act and choose to save myself over my neighbour.

Emo's not really my style, but okay, I'll be emo for a day...

2009-01-30T18:32:00.000-08:00

The Catastrophe of all catastrophes

2009-01-18T09:22:00.000-08:00

I swore in front of my parents today. An accidental slip of the tongue, I was dozing off in a moving vehicle when sudden yells from both my parents jolted me in time to witness a car swerve in front of us without signalling. The words escaped my mouth as I banged my balled-up fist towards the vehicle that so rudely awoke me from my much needed sleep. Realising the magnitude of my words, my fist uncurled and my hand shot up towards the general direction of my mouth following a loud gasp. Silence in the car for some time. I was hoping that my parents were too distraught to have heard me. Either that or they chose to overlook the unrefined conduct of their youngest daughter.

I think they sort of picked up that I had severe road rage issues. The other day, some handicapped dude decided to stop right in the middle of a very busy road during lunch hour. He got down and told me to wait 5 minutes while a long queue of cars built up behind me. I was literally experiencing a wtf moment as...

being handicap does not give you a right to park in the middle of a very busy road. pull over to the side if it's really important. society always tells us to treat handicap people like normal people. that we should not look at them weirdly or treat them as if they were special. well... I was just abiding by what society says. no special treatment remember? plus, all he had was a limp. he wasn't in a wheelchair and he definitely had both his legs, arms, full body intact. so what made him king of the road? bahh...anyways, I didn't waste my time expressing my displeasure to my mom. And she sighed silently and I knew she thought I was being too harsh on a handicapped person. Injustice!

So, you know you have road rage issues when even your own parents disapprove of your conduct on the road.

T.T

2009-01-15T16:57:00.000-08:00

"You were so wrapped up in that book, that it made you cry. You have feelings...you're not like most of the teenage girls who are on the internet or getting drunk... you're real...you exist..."

-Sam to Nicola on 'How to say I love you'-

I like this verse a lot. It was taken off a YouTube video series.

On the subject of 'existing' and being 'real', a friend once noted that if you had no memories of doing something, it would be as if you never did it in the first place.

I've always wondered about the difference between merely existing and truly living. If the same concept mentioned above is applied, can we say that If you had no known memories of a certain person, no pictures and basically no evidence that the person ever made a mark on this earth, did that person really live? Yeah, sure they existed. But did they live?

everyday I thank God that he made karma a bitch..

2009-01-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

2009-01-12T09:34:00.001-08:00

Even at the expense of sounding extremely inarticulate, I would still like to say the next four words:

I feel like shit.

yup. i'm angry and frustrated and i'm in no mood to be generous.

Sometimes I say things like 'oh mi goodness... I don't want to be confronted by an ugly looking Proton Saga at 4 a.m. in the morning...I feel like bashing that saga up laa'

And I don't mean it. I really don't. I only say it because I'm sleepy.

But right now, I feel like telling you, anyone who would listen actually... that no... it's not ok to make specific plans and then change them last minute. And this time I really mean it. ARGH. Even if it's something simple as changing the venue on the very last day... or watching a different movie from the one I want to watch...

i'm sick and tired of planning. cause everytime i plan to do something, does it ever occur to you that I LOOK FORWARD to doing those things. And what happens when I look forward to doing something only to find that those plans will never materialize? disappointment kuasa seribu.

screw it.

When Sharing is not an Option

2009-01-08T04:27:00.000-08:00

Adopted from The Guardian, UK

Ruth Yashin is an 85-year-old grandmother who lives in Ashkelon and has been involved in interfaith dialogue since 1966
"I was born in Palestine in 1923. My mother came from Canada and my father came from Egypt in 1915; Arabic was his language. I'm prepared to share this country with my Arab neighbours. We have more in common with them than with Europeans or Americans. It's a similar language, similar mentality. They are from the same part of the world, but they hate me. What can I do? This is my homeland. I regret every child and every family hurt in Gaza, but I live in Ashkelon. Do you know how many air raids we have had there? The shops are closed, the malls are closed, the schools are closed. I understand that Hamas was democratically elected, but they are on a policy of destruction."

The Simple Plan

2009-01-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

Eurotrip Plan:

Return Plane Ticket to Frankfurt: One

Weeks left to departure date: 3

Travel Insurance: None

Countries to visit in a space of three weeks: Germany, Czech, Hungary

Undecided on: Slovenia, Austria, Romania, Poland, Netherlands (Amsterdam)

Mode of transport: uh....

Backpack: None

Sleeping bag: none

Accommodation: None, except for Germany

Bank account: None

Credit/Debit Visa card: None

Postpaid cellphone number: none

My parents really love me a lot to let me go on this trip completely unprepared. Seriously, what were they thinking???

Time, catching up on us...

2008-12-31T11:15:00.000-08:00

When we were younger, maybe by about one or two years, we used to sit on my living room carpet playing mafia, drinking soft drinks out of tin cans, lounging around lazily with fluffy pillows. Sometimes, there would be two mafia sessions running concurrently, accusations on who was the 'murderer' would start flying across the room and a commotion would eventually break out. At times, it became more than a game to some of us. The tension we felt was enough to slice the already thin air. And although some of us would never admit it, convening at least twice a week to play mafia meant that we had steadily become addicted to the game, or maybe it was to each others' presence - the two had become interchangeable.

This New Year's eve, as I sat in what used to be a larger circle of friends, I realised how invaluable those sessions were. That we, once notoriously known as the inseparable DU gang, would never be able to paint that same picture of us sitting in a circle with ultra serious faces...playing mafia..Not even if we tried to stage a remake because the genuine togetherness we felt in each others' company is merely a distant memory, nothing more.

He said, 'Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone'

2008-12-28T09:10:00.000-08:00

In reality, we'll never know the ending.

2008-12-26T05:25:00.001-08:00

I have this image of what next year is going to be like and i'm not liking what I see at the moment. It took a single phone call. Awkward pauses built on empty silences. It ended with my voice breaking with emotion because that's not how I envisaged our conversation(s) to be. Not over the phone anyway.

I hate this damn country and yet I love it so. I know I love it because I won't run. I hate that it makes me get headaches all the time. I hate that I have to come home at 2 a.m. trembling and praying very hard someone didn't follow me through my gates. You read about it in the newspapers and just hope it doesn't happen to you. It's pathetic but it's very real. I hate that my own movements are restricted cause I don't feel safe going out at night. The thing I hate most is that you won't be around to hear me bitch about the things I hate. 'cause face it, no one else will be able to understand my psychotic rantings like you can.

2008-12-20T01:43:00.000-08:00

I must have entered a thousand different versions of all that you can't leave behind before finally stumbling upon a variation that hasn't been taken up by some other blog. Sometimes, I cringe at my tendency to use cliched phrases however applicable I try to make it sound.

It is ironic that I feel like a stranger in the place I used to call home barely a year ago. Everything in this room is left exactly the way it was. The slightly dusty teddy bears that are crying out for a hug but not getting any. Unforgiving pictures from highschool days sitting out on the mantelpiece. The windows that look out to the familiar stillness of the aqua blue pool, a sight that used to comfort me, but can't anymore. All that I notice now are the rain-stained walls of the neighbouring house. Not a very pretty sight. Maybe it is true that we only choose the things we want to see.